03-27-10

The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful

There has been a lot of talk about Atlanta. It started in the backyard on a crisp star filled night. It was the first time I spoke with Tapan on a deeper level than:

T: can I see you naked?
S: no.
T: fine. You hate me.

He told me he wanted to see me in a bigger area where I would thrive, even if it wasn’t Nyc. He suggested Atlanta. I put it on my list below Pittsburgh, Houston and New York but before San francisco. It fell off just as quickly.

Soon i landed a great job locally after rationalizing staying here was good for the kids to be close to their family here. Soon the list was obsolete.

Now that I work with Bridgevine, I hear it all the time. Their satellite offices are in Atlanta. I lost bunny du jour to Atlanta. Now it’s back on the list, because apparently the list is back.

Why is the list back? Staying closer to their father was not the awesome idea it originally looked like. Things went missing in the house: vacuums, clothes, cooking utensils. He became a douche to the people (person)I was seeing.

My support system fell away to reveal itself as his support system and suddenly I was the douchebag, the “other person” in the relationship he lost in his indiscretions. But his choices and his lies weighed no match against my outsider status, and so it came to be: I destroyed everything by not wanting to play by his rules
Anymore.

My biggest mistake was staying, i set myself up in the weaker position, at least the first time I left I had control: this was on my terms. This time, however, I broke through some traps but still ended up in others. Just because you missed the snare trap by landing in the bear trap doesn’t mean you won’t still have to chew your own leg off. Nom. :(

So the list is back, because there is nothing left here amongst the ruins. My landlord won’t fix this candy coated pooh of an apt with walls so thin you can hear a fly sneeze. I have no one to spend holidays with and despite spending 100 hours a week with my kids, I am constantly berated by my ex as “not wanting to spend time with them” when i need a weekend off. The kids tell me I’m mean, cry for their grandmother and father because they don’t agree with a parent actually acting like a parent… And I am done.

Perhaps I am confusing a glimmer of stability as the whole shebang. Maybe this puddle is just an oasis in a five year dessert of insanity.

Then again, maybe it will end up being just another decision I end up regretting. The new list: Houston, Atlanta, Pittsburgh…as if the choice will ever ultimately be up to me. Oft.