04-22-04

the sex machine and the devil

being a huge fan of tarantino films as i am apt to be, i about had a heart attack when a lovely gentlemen came into la strada yesterday and handed me his business card. Tom Savini was standing four feet from me and i maintained my composure, i’m not really the kind of person to fall to pieces over other people just because their jobs are cooler than mine, but his job is so much cooler than mine it is almost painful. Besides being in physical contact with salma hayek, this man has done the special effects and makeup for god knows how many b-rated horror flicks. Funny thing was he looked just like he did as “sex machine” in Dusk Till Dawn, only wearing a green scrub top and no…um… guns.

And the devil made an alarming appearance yesterday as well, slightly shocked but half expecting it he called, i answered thinking it to be our typical hi…bye conversation. Instead he came over…and wanted to hug? Nooooooo. I haven’t seen you in whats going on two months, could you please get real? I would have believed him to be a downright liar if i hadn’t looked at his palm… ladies learn this, it clears up so much confusion. Not that it is any better that he is an emotional rollercoaster but it eases my mind to know that i haven’t been overlooking various games i make a habit out of calling and staying away from.

I was proud of myself. I told him “friends” as he ran his hand down my leg and i batted it away, i felt like a kitten :). I told him “friends” as he leaned in towards me and i turned my head. I told him “friends” as he wanted to cuddle with me, kiss my neck and all sorts of naughty stuff i don’t do with friends. And in the end i told myself “friends” as he was playing a wonderfully delicious game of “faces/places”. Every girl needs a friend like that.

Now most people would be like “shell, friends don’t let friends…do that!” well i am a nice friend, why do you think i have so many? :) Just kidding. I am not falling back into the wonderlust of prior devil boy experiences, i know better, it just felt comfortable, which is something i haven’t experienced in the sexual sense since well before the Lake Placid episode. I wasn’t freaking out and uptight while laying next to him as i have been in the past when boys tried to start things. I have made a few boys quite frustrated because i just couldn’t…

Because i was scared and hurt and that night would keep flashing before my eyes or i would wake up in a full blown panic attack and knock Mr. I-fell-asleep-here-b/c-i-missed-the-last-bus-to-whereever out of bed and on his ass. Because i forgot how to see pure beauty in the male form, it was repulsive to me for a while, it scared me and i didn’t want it near me. Last night i saw each part and piece as i had in the past, shadows and highlights in muscle tone, softness, warmth, smoothness as i swept my fingers across. They found their place in the crevice by the hip bones and i knew i was home. My kisses had passion again, the lack of which was probably the most scary for me. Hollow, empty kisses make life empty and hollow when you dont know if you will ever feel differently again.

Maybe that project for concept developement is working theraputically as i had hoped, looking at my sexuality like this has led me to tears, drinking and finally “faces/places” with the devil but i think i might have finally broken through what i needed to. And to top it off, i am going to have one hell of an art piece when all is said and done. Or maybe all i needed was time. Whatever it was i am truely grateful.

I missed the pure, erotic tension that i felt last night. C’est magnifique. Aphrodite hasn’t left me, she was there all along, holding my hand till i was ready again…its like the “footprints” poem only with leather and lubricant.