02-17-10

Season of Change

Today was a celebration! We celebrated Solaris’ 4 years of existence ana Angry Chef Boy’s 30 days of sobriety. I’m celebrating both with a nice Napa Cab. It’s from a winery called Bohemian Highway–the last bottle misplaced amongst the Vermouth’s and covered in fingerprints. I figured she needed a home. Surprisingly, I really like it. And I think it ended up being under $10. Double swoon.

So I survived. 1460 days of being a mom (love) and 2195 days of Angry Chef antics (not so much). I’m celebrating a new job, cheers. A new lola, cheers and a new found sense of freedom. More importantly, I’ve survived 30 days of hurt and I’ve come out on the other side stronger. Not in the “I can walk through fire” mentality I had while “surviving” college, but in a softer, “I’ve learned to be human” sense. I’ve learned to forgive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t forgotten, I’ve just forgiven. And not just him. One moment of clarity, somewhere between here and Melbourne on 95…it came to me. An empathetic understanding of how things can spiral out for a person and how it can so easily, and un-willingly bring down those closest to them. So I forgave him, and I forgave someone else who use to be close to me from years ago, and at the same time I forgave myself (we all need a little reminder that it’s ok to be human, and faliable). And I feel a hundred times better.

Don’t get me wrong, there is forgiveness and there is co-dependency. My energy needs to be exerted on myself, to cultivate whatever it is that I NEED in life. If a personal relationship can not help in that endeavor but instead drains your energy and focus because you are investing in keeping the relationship afloat, it’s kind of a pointless waste. So you can forgive but you don’t have to rectify.

I have 90 days.

My new job is a 90 day contract, after which I can choose to stay or leave and they can choose to keep me or leave me. 90 days is an excellent trial run. So I thought, why not give a few more things in my life a 90 trail run. 90 days without television. 90 days vegetarian diet (I was contemplating 90 days raw but my body without protein would probably land me in the hospital). 90 days writing everyday. 90 days of art.

If you had 90 days to alter your life in a way you’ve always wanted to try, what would you do?