08-17-03

Sad sad day in shellville

Note to all: this is no longer my project blog, i have taken it over with reality b/c i have to…it is now one of those what i had for breakfast blog. It is going to be my forum for freewriting, a means to keep my mad writing skillz sharp yo. To find out how lilith is doing you should consult www.eden-project.blogspot.com and don’t mind the terrible layout, it is being fed into the main page of the eden-project which i will let ya’ll know where it is posted later. ok, well maybe some stuff about lilith and all that will be posted her, but you will have to weed through the random stuff which i wouldn’t suggest, b/c it would probably make you scyzophrenic. But how can something make you syczophrenic you ask? Do you REALLY want to take that chance?

Left Middlebury today. really really really sad. I loved it there. Back at juniata, horrible, i miss VT so much. Huntingdon is so depressing, and this is the summer season still. Can’t wait for winter.

I walked down to see an apartment today which i ended up getting. its ten blocks from the school so when all is said and done i will have a nice butt…not that its not nice to begin with (NO vainity here what-so-ever!). In all honestly it is precious. It is in a historically registered building and the man who owns the place lives downstairs. I ended up sitting in his apartment talking to him for an hour and a half. Definetly the kind of place i want when i grow up, piles and stacks and shelves of books (i believe the correct term is boxes of piles or bags…oh hell nm), classical music in the background, a drawing desk and a few overly stuffed comfy chairs everywhere. If any one ever wants to come visit Juniata…hahaha, ok nm, i thought it was funny too, but the offer is there.

I am really frightened at moving in by myself. It will be weird. Lonely, quiet, peaceful, relaxing, i dont have to take care of anyone else or support anyone else or stay up late wondering where the hell someone else is plus i have a dish washer. how nice is that. Apparently the apartment is the marriage apartment though, Jack(the landlord) told me every tenant he has had has moved out b/c they have gotten married. I told him “it was nice meeting you i gotta go” and walked towards the door. i laughed. I know better, i have stronger will power. wait, no, keep your wimpy “will power,” i have FEAR! Yes, beautiful beautiful FEAR, Thank you Pavlov. Shell is married to her work, shell has “geek” tattooed on her back in bugbites.

was talking to my mom about my newest…um…lapse of sanity…i guess would be the word. (i feel so ridiculous crying over the ridiculousticities of relationships with the opposite sex…like ppl leaving, or buying you flowers, or bringing you water or whatever else someone does to perplex you. y? y i ask? grrr) and she laughed at me. It is always good when your mother laughs at your relationship life, your mother who…doesn’t…have relationships. Well I guess it is good to be entertaining…trying to be optimistic her ppl. it is a sad, pathetic day when your mom laughs at your situation, but i sweeeeaaarr it is not my fault. he held a gun to my head! yes yes thats it!! :( never that easy. it was a horrible situatuion and i tried to be good, i really did. god, i feel like a horrible, horrible person.

I am going to hell.

Seth tried to make me feel better about it all…”there are worse ppl out there” he says…”like bush, look how many ppl he kills in a day” it didn’t help. I feel really bad for his gf, this poor girl i never met and like crush her world (well, atleast for a couple months till she discovers narcotics with which she burns out on and winds up like the old woman on Requiem. NOT HELPING.) Y the GF? Y all the miles? god damn it! I AM horrible. wow, i really hope that anyone who is reading this stopped a while ago…which is what i am going on. Here is one for the blog research, y is typing in a blog so theraputic when your NINA or emilie isn’t around to whine too?

Positives shell, must focus on the positives. At least i can regain hope in that there are infact ppl out there who will make you happy and talk geek to you and rub your back and bring you tylenol and act like they are five with you and…GOD DAMNIT! Not helping. here’s a positive…he wasn’t mean…finally! someone who isn’t a mean disrespectful, lying loser! i can be attracked to un mean ppl. wahoo…:(

Ok, so this is part of the getting over boy process…write it all down. once it is out of the system it will be easier to replace…with things like perl and java and actionscript and lilith and all that fun stuff.

I guess since i am going to actually be keeping this i should fix the damn layout.

the eternal masochist *sigh

~shell