03-19-04

off color

walking through downtown with artist boy at night in the rain, we just sat in a cafe for two hours talking over coffee. Walk by this little cuban restraunt and decide to try it out. Wonderful. Picadillo and fried plantains…who could ask for anything more?

Back out on the street after a lovely dinner and its raining and cold, i suggest a taxi, artist boy says why wreck tradition? Everytime we go out its raining and cold. And it was about to get colder. He tells me about how he went out on a date with another girl a few weeks ago, and when she asked if he wanted to do it again he tought no. I inserted an off color comment of somesort or another. He said he guessed he was trying to say that he was interested in “this” (being us) and nothing else. I inserted an off color silence as a scream ripped through my mind.

I can’t do this anymore, i can’t do relationships or sex or intimacy or any of it. I don’t want to, it’s not that i try and i can’t, its that i have no desire to. I don’t have the energy to move through life as a two. I don’t have the attention span. When i was younger i would do gymnastic routines to keep up with others, i’d give 100% of myself. Now my stomach turns at the thought and i feel horrible. I have met some wonderful people in my life and i wish i was able to, but i can’t.