04-16-04

nauseous

I was talking to a potential roommate today, he was from Houston at one point in his life and it made me think of danilo. I googled danilo like i am apt to do every few months (couple months…same difference :) ) and i decided to email him, despite better warning by my mother and aunt and beth… and he actually emailed me back. Now i am sick to my stomach, shaky and nervous feeling. For christ sake its danilo, just stop. What is wrong with me, why am i still hung up on him after all this time. This is stupid ridiculous. Besides i am sure he is probably married to some model by now. Arg. Please quit being afraid of him. No more intimidation. He was always one to make me feel little about myself, even though indirectly…i was always intimidated by him. No mas. I was always afraid he was just interested in me as sex, i have been fighting that for so long, shell is sex. I am so much more than that.

I am not defined by my past relationships with males (as my professor wanted to point out to the class yesterday), i am not defined by the males who were too ridiculous to see me as anything beyond their own libido. I am beautiful and brilliant and just b/c you defined our relationship by sex (jay) does not mean that i did. If it was just sex to you it was never just sex to me or i would have been gone after the first night. There, i fought it. That was my demon. That was a very uneventful, unorgasmic fight considering all the torment it has put me through.

And so, with out further ado… i want to get married, i want a family and a pug and a suburbian life style with a touch of modern/industrial style. I am defined by my hopes and dreams and fairytale optimism. You all just never bothered to understand. Assumptions.