04-30-04

I don’t want to talk about it.

I cleaned the glass today at work. You know that kind of cleaning, the frantic scrubbing of hours on end just to get the fucking thoughts in my head to silence themselves…the boy induced cleaning. I had sex with Mr. A. Or atleast what most people would classify as sex. But after about ten minutes he looks at me and says “just relax.” I get extremely nausceous and fighting the urge to curl up on my side I look him in the eyes and say “ok, i can’t do this. I thought i could and i really want to but i can’t.” and i couldn’t.

We cuddle, I tense and quite he watches me. “Whats wrong.” I know whats wrong. “I don’t want to talk about it.” “You can talk to me about it.” I look at him.

The funny thing was i couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to him about it. I did, don’t get me wrong. But as soon as the words left my mouth i knew i would never hear from him again. And i didn’t. So the funny thing was, i could talk about it, but not with him. And now when all is said and done i keep trying to talk myself around the situation but the truth of the matter is i feel just as disgusting as i did all those months ago when all this shit first started. Surface view i am fine, oh my god, he was wonderful and yummy and smelt good and i wanted to torture him until he cried, but when we were inbed together i couldn’t get past the anxiety, the same feelings as the first few times i actually slept in the same bed as another guy again. I tried to ignore it but i couldn’t and my body reacted physically to it and then sex was a no go, and i was left in a bed with Mr. A, myself and Him, an imaginary ghost of a person who caused me so much pain so long ago. And for one brief minute i hated myself. Then I realized it wasn’t me, i just needed more time, but i knew Mr. A wouldn’t be able to give me the time i needed, i knew he wouldn’t understand and i knew how he would view me, and so he did and i hadn’t heard from him since.

So now i feel broken, I was fine and whole and then last year something horrible happened and the world stopped and i broke down so i left huntingdon to escape it and it followed me here and now it haunts me still and i am still broken and the world still hasn’t started to move yet so i just pretend that it does and go around as if it does and just ignore any parts that suggest otherwise. Everyone treats me as though i am still walking, talking, breathing, sexuality and i just smile as a pang of emptiness reminds me of whats gone. I still don’t know where to find it.