05-09-04

home atlast

last night was the first night in about four that i slept in my own bed, minus an hour and a half nap before i met a few friends at Hi-Tops on Thursday. Today I am working on my resumes, which is exhausting anymore. They are hiring bartenders at the strip club downtown, i am half tempted… and wholy joking. Not that desperate yet. Besides, can you imagine me at a strip club? “I’m sorry sir, i got distract. what did you need?” mmmm, can’t beat dirty females.

I fear drunken mgr has a drinking problem, and i have a guys-with-problems problem. Do i attract guys who have personality disorders or what? I have to sit down with him and talk to him about it. I like him and dont want to have to walk away, but i can’t do a relationship with him if he is always drinking, i like him alot better when he is sober, like in the mornings, which has been the only time he has been. God Damnit! this is so frustrating. Already, just from being with him my alcohol tolerance has increased from one drink to two, and i think its just from kissing him. I have yet to kiss him without it tasting like vodka and cigarettes, and when you walk past a drunk person on the sidewalk or a bar and the smell makes you think of kissing your boyfriend (oh, shit,)…um friend….then you know there might be a problem. There is also a problem when it effects your sexual functions.

The bottom line is i have done this before, with disasterous results. John tried to commit suicide once when he was drunk. Jay was disqustingly drunk and puking on my bathmat, i had to call a friend to drag his neeked ass out of the bathroom. I almost lost a boyfriend AND a bathmat to alcohol. And i did lose my father, i don’t want to do this again.

Went to dinner with my mother friday night, i never have time to visit her anymore, its sad. Celebrated mothers day the day before, she yelled at me. The funny thing was she yelled at me for drinking my corona wrong. I picked up the bottle and took a sip, all hell broke lose. Thats very feminine michelle, i know i raised you better than that. Poor it in a damn glass for christ sake. Sigh. She has always tried to bring me up right, for what i don’t know, to impress the jerks i’ve been dating recently? I have to teach them to open doors for me. Maybe its to impress my employers, but after way too many resumes i am beginning to think that McDonalds really wont care about wether i eat with my elbows on the table or know my art history.