05-16-10

Dying.

It has been a bit under a week since I have seen the girls. In case you haven’t been following along on my journeys in crazytown via facebook, I have had David’s family keep them after my Friday night was spent having a wall punched in two feet from my face by a drunken neighbor I was trying to talk out of shooting himself. Stray bullets and babies are not a good mix. They are staying there until David and I can get him into a two bedroom apartment later this week. His new GF will be moving in as well, so they will have a mommy figure.

I look into their empty bedroom and their little shoes and their beds and my heart is falling to pieces and I can’t breathe. I’m trying to pack their room but it’s not working. I’ve been trying to all weekend. They are never staying here again and I’m just falling apart. I remember the last night they slept here, both of them curled up in the top bunk together. It’s for the best. This is much easier to stand than if something did happen to them here even though I can barely stand it at all.

I’ve been in tears everyday for the past three weeks. EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I didn’t do anything and I am losing everything and it is so unfair. I’m putting every ounce of me into just functioning another two weeks. It won’t be any easier, but that is just the goal I set for myself until I can breathe again. Until then.

this is not how it was suppose to play out.

it is all in your plan and it is through faith alone that I will survive.