03-25-04

be careful what you wish for

What in the world god? i know this is a test and i know you will only give me as much as i can handle, but come on even i know i can’t handle this much. I answer the phone as the number processes in my mind. Oh NoooHello? Its devil boy. I feign satisfaction, i hide the fact that i know no good can come of the conversation. That pain i have been ignoring all day hits me like an anvil…this like stabbing pain that hits my spirit. I really don’t know how to explain it. But you know the feeling when your desperate attempt at denial shatters in glass like fashion. I tried to pretend the Ella night worked, and i was doing good until he called. I can’t trust him, he feels like danilo. this feels just like all my years with lucifer himself. I can walk from this one though, i have the power to i just need to want to.

Harry’s not helping either, his “lets call the whole calling off off” plays through my headphones and weakens my resistance. I can do coffee with this mother fucker, i know i can. I don’t have to have any feelings for him… i am trying to rebuild my walls very very quickly, if i don’t it will be a huge mess. But we all know i am a lying sack of shit.

He says its not fair, i know he has issues and is really confused. Fuck that. Then dont ask random chicks to lunch if you can’t have a sane interlude. I am itchy, it has been a while since i have been itchy. i despise this feeling. Coffee is fine, i will do coffee and be in total control, i will call him out when he steps out of line (even though the damage will have been done, you can’t erase words, suggestion is very powerful) and just be “friends” with him. Besides, if i go into coffee with him looking for the things that are iritating maybe i can get over him and get on with other things, things that treast me right, things that read erotica to me over the phone at night and buy me tea. I will prevail, i swear i will. i need more merlot, why did i drink it all that night, damn it.