05-21-10

Bad mom

Lunch: I finally realized why solaris says she hates me all the time, and it has nothing to do with me directly. There is hate like “I hate you for putting me in the corner” and then there is all the time I hate you mom. She came over from her side of the table at lunch, sat in the chair next to me and said “I hate you mom.” and just went on for the next five minutes about hating me while I tried to choke back tears while not choking on my salad.

Here it dawned on me, just tonight: She blames me for breaking up the family she knew. She loves krisi bc she filled the place of me in a world familiar to her, with parks and Mimi and fountains and routine. What I had to offer them was not routine.

I’m not a bad mom. I’ll bite the bullet and take the blame on this one, though. Being a bad mom is much better than the truth at her age… Or ever. Apparently when she asks about the nanny, her dad tells her she went up north…”to help Santa make presents?” she asks.

I’m not actually as terrible of a human being as I’ve thought these last couple of years. And a couple of years down the road I may still be able to get that farm with my super extended adopted family and be confident knowing I’m a kick ass mom. I’ll be able to look at chubby cheeked babies and not feel my heart break to bits thinking I didn’t have what it takes to make it/them happy.

You have no idea the levels of hell in your own soul until you’ve been rocked to your core.

I’m a bad mom… Bc I’m a fucking amazing mom.