We're All Mad Here » 2010

05-26-10

Autumn leaves

I stand in a field of gray cement under the canopy of mothes attracked to the overhead night lights of commerce. dressed simply in a green dress and agitation, he holds me in his arms so I won’t float off into the oblivion of my rage.

“you’ll find a new hobby,” he says to me. You’ll find yourself again. He kisses the top of my head to seal me to the ground, opens the car door for me to get in. We drive off from the bookstore where I spent an hour in frustration realizing my old stopping grounds no longer applied to me. I couldn’t find my new self amongst the shelves.

05-25-10

Kids of the four legged variety

Wisdom teeth removed, I slept in a restless slumber as light poured in from all of the eight windows in my bedroom. At any given time when I awoke the dog would be curled beside me, or sprawled on his back at the foot of the bed or sleeping between my legs. This time he was next to my head throwing up… On my new shoes…chunks of wood he ate from my bed. sigh. Kids.

I call Chris whining, he arrives with resolve and coconut milk ice cream sandwiches the way a knight in shining armor ought.

05-21-10

Bad mom

Lunch: I finally realized why solaris says she hates me all the time, and it has nothing to do with me directly. There is hate like “I hate you for putting me in the corner” and then there is all the time I hate you mom. She came over from her side of the table at lunch, sat in the chair next to me and said “I hate you mom.” and just went on for the next five minutes about hating me while I tried to choke back tears while not choking on my salad.

Here it dawned on me, just tonight: She blames me for breaking up the family she knew. She loves krisi bc she filled the place of me in a world familiar to her, with parks and Mimi and fountains and routine. What I had to offer them was not routine.

I’m not a bad mom. I’ll bite the bullet and take the blame on this one, though. Being a bad mom is much better than the truth at her age… Or ever. Apparently when she asks about the nanny, her dad tells her she went up north…”to help Santa make presents?” she asks.

I’m not actually as terrible of a human being as I’ve thought these last couple of years. And a couple of years down the road I may still be able to get that farm with my super extended adopted family and be confident knowing I’m a kick ass mom. I’ll be able to look at chubby cheeked babies and not feel my heart break to bits thinking I didn’t have what it takes to make it/them happy.

You have no idea the levels of hell in your own soul until you’ve been rocked to your core.

I’m a bad mom… Bc I’m a fucking amazing mom.

05-17-10

He likes the size of my…talent.

He decides to start a war by calling me a whack job over there—>here. And to think I was nice enough to let you onto my cpanel. *sigh* boys.

S: Are you trying to start a war? You didn’t give me enough substance to start anything with that.

C (para.): I have faith in you.

05-17-10

Yes, I lived in Beaver.

datzun: ITS LITTLE SHELL! (on finding an old article on my failed run at the title “Miss Big Knob”…which he missed, somehow and probably only finds out about by reading this blog posting about his perviness. It’s here if you are interested)
datzun: Beaver Country Times…..really?
Shell: yes
Shell: my mom lives in Beaver, PA
Shell: in Beaver County, PA
datzun: lawls
Shell: I use to date guys who went to Beaver High School
Shell: There is even a Beaver Fire Dept
datzun: Hawt.
Shell: the original Brusters is in Beaver County
datzun: Beaver.

05-17-10

Leap of Faith

‘

It was an appropriate way to exit the parking lot, or so it seems. It was nauseatingly steeped in metaphor: a wet road leading away from what, a slick exit sign painted on the ground and a tiny little tire skidding out to the side and leaving me swimming in adrenaline and doubt. “Eat me”: a cement cake with a little tag. If I do eat it, will it shoot me up or down in size? Didn’t matter. good bye knee, good bye wrist. Good bye Vero and everything associated with it.

And then I got called out for being a douche bag (which I am, ask around: I’ve got references…like any of you, dear faithful readers) and given an ultimatum: quit being a douche or GTFO and no more kissy face. So it looks like I’m taking a hike from my personal relationship as well since there is no cure for douchebaggery (it only gets better with age).**

And then Lola hit the pavement and it was all over. I was done. I wanted to just leave her there, walk away, come pack my bag with a few outfits I couldn’t stand being wo and start hiking the beach north. Kerouac style.

** UPDATE: 10pm. I am still being called out on my douchebaggery, only now we have decided on a remedy that involves talking sticks and princess tiaras. I think it will turn out well, Swears.

05-16-10

Dying.

It has been a bit under a week since I have seen the girls. In case you haven’t been following along on my journeys in crazytown via facebook, I have had David’s family keep them after my Friday night was spent having a wall punched in two feet from my face by a drunken neighbor I was trying to talk out of shooting himself. Stray bullets and babies are not a good mix. They are staying there until David and I can get him into a two bedroom apartment later this week. His new GF will be moving in as well, so they will have a mommy figure.

I look into their empty bedroom and their little shoes and their beds and my heart is falling to pieces and I can’t breathe. I’m trying to pack their room but it’s not working. I’ve been trying to all weekend. They are never staying here again and I’m just falling apart. I remember the last night they slept here, both of them curled up in the top bunk together. It’s for the best. This is much easier to stand than if something did happen to them here even though I can barely stand it at all.

I’ve been in tears everyday for the past three weeks. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn’t do anything and I am losing everything and it is so unfair. I’m putting every ounce of me into just functioning another two weeks. It won’t be any easier, but that is just the goal I set for myself until I can breathe again. Until then.

this is not how it was suppose to play out.

it is all in your plan and it is through faith alone that I will survive.

05-15-10

Time to Get Happies!!!

Ok, so I’ve been talking about it for a while.Now I am thinking of just “STFU and do it already” Kerouac style. Only cooler, B/c I got me some Lola. “So what is it?” <- yous. Hold on, hold on, we’re getting to it already…

I am still in holding pattern on hearing if BV is going to keep my sorry but around in their ATL local (I’m still convinced I was only hired as eye candy, so their decision will show which way the jury goes on that one…I KID!).

Either way I am itching to get me some miles on the Lols Royce (Lola ‘Lols’ Royce in case you are missing out on some details…which you may just be. I named her after my Nina and her RR tattoo). So I’m thinking of getting some much needed “girl on girl action” as Mike likes to call it and go road tripping with Lola. Second star to the left, straight on till morning…and straight up the middle of the state.

05-14-10

One week.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust

I keep picking up the phone, hoping to find solace in a voice or words from beyond myself, but I know the only hope is from within. Closing a chapter in your life is never easy, but with the help of flickr batch delete and your friends…you might survive it.

Next step: turn the page.

Chapter 4

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust

05-11-10

An Interesting Bed Fellow

I know a lot of you are coming for the Urban Homesteading and not as much the madness itself. I just want to take a moment to apologize. The plants are gone, the home is gone, the sunshine and water and bugs are gone. But I am working on rebuilding.

I’m moving. To Atlanta. There will be more plants, and flowers and trees. And this time there will be art and new Buggs (the puppy)…

…and alpacas, and food, and sadly even a little ana. Yes, I know. Take/Scene/Act 3,456, right? It gets old, I’ll be the first to admit it, but you can only take so much before no matter how strong your arsenal or how thick your walls: you fall. There are only so many times

This marks the 15 year birthday of my official title. I think I am hovering somewhere between ED-NOS and OCPD right now, but at one point in time I was a full fledged Anorexic and I am quickly on my way back. Congratulations, you’re 27 and you suck at eating. Does your mom still bathe you? Seriously? You pay rent and do all sorts of grown up things but you can’t run to the store and EAT A DAMN CHEESEBURGER? People pay you to do important things and you’re afraid of spaghetti? Yes, I know. But I’m working on it.