12-27-10

Hub Caps and Tail Lights

Say what you will about technology, but the beatnik-inspired jazz wafting from the record player in the corner is intoxicating. The smell of the cover, the feel of it’s black weight in my hands, the approximate 26 minutes I have until I have to stand up, pry myself away from my writing and flip the disk over, the scratchy grit of the audio. The bass is perfect. “Hub Caps and Tail Lights” comes on: a rich, meaty burlesque. Show me something as sensual as this relationship with an iPod, I dare you.

12-25-10

Dear San Diego,

12-18-10

Untitled Josh Berman Blog Entry, Take 1

I drug my butt back to the freezing warehouse the next day, mostly out of curiosity than the need to achieve some form of “success” in my brief career in the entertainment industry. I regretted it the moment I stepped into the back lot surrounded by mobile changing rooms, food carts and wardrobe trailers.

SCENE 1: Flashback – 2 nights prior

I crawled through the front door of the hippy commune where I was staying in Atlanta after I had broken up with my boyfriend. The rest of my life there had just dropped out from under me as of 20 minutes ago. Tear stained cheeks, carrying my belongings from my desk at the job I just left, I rushed passed the yard chickens as they greeted me with a friendly “bagawk”. My neighbor intercepted my retreat into my room.

“I can put you to work tomorrow, it’s a Cagney and Lacey sort of thing,” he said in his usual coke-ish induced frenzy. My neighbor was a casting director: I knew what I was getting myself in to. I listened to him bitch a few weeks before about unreliable extras during the Footloose 2 project when I offered to help him find replacements. I repeat: I knew full well what I was getting myself into.

Every inch of my body screamed “NO! You don’t ACTUALLY need the money THAT badly.” Every inch except for my curiosity, which said “Well, you’ve never done THAT before.” Curiosity was the same reason I was in Atlanta, in tears and standing in a hippy commune to begin with. Curiosity leads me to great stories, and often by way of great pain. Of course curiosity beat logic to my lips.

SCENE 2: Flash forward to the day after Scene 1 but not nearly to the present where we first met our heroine, so it’s still Flashback* – Day 1 of Filming

The next day I stood in faux Police HQs in the middle of a warehouse in downtown Atlanta dressed as a San Diego PD chick. I played a cop called “Tucker” which was ironic considering that most of my day was spent tucking my shirt back into  a pair of pants as the 30lb prop  holster at my waist drug everything dangerously close to the ground.

I was surrounded by polyester, makeup, hairspray, booby pins, an angry female director, Lou Diamond Phillips, the chick from Sopranos, and the blond doctor from ER…none of whom I recognized until I went home and did some research three days later.

I was willing my body to stop shaking from the cold long enough to make it between the “Action” and “Cut” calls. It was miserable. 16 hours of freezing temperatures and chattel-like environments, I was more than ready to go home and stop being painfully aware of every movement and position my body was in. Between the hours, conditions and TMZ, believe me when I say actors deserve every penny of the gazillions of dollars they make. I envy them not.

I was counting down the minutes till I could leave when I caught Hell approaching me from across the set. Hell was a gorgeous Miamian named Oscar.  He came up to me, asked me to see my hands. He pulled out a smartphone and and compared them to a picture on the display.

“It’s close, don’t you think?” he asked.

“Not at all,” I replied, “there’s no wedding ring.”

“We can fix that”

“That’s what they all say.” An hour later I was scheduled to come back the following day as a body double for the blond ER chick.

SCENE 3: We return to our heroine on the third day of the story

I returned the next day. They stuck a wedding band on my finger. It was a beautiful cheap metal thing with ironic embellishment. I chuckled as I snapped a photo of it in the bathroom on break. I had moved into the hippy commune a few weeks prior after dissolving a relationship with a previous a boy who wouldn’t give me a ring which started after dissolving a previous relationship with a boy who wouldn’t give me a ring as well. I’m not a married woman but I play one on TV.

As a body double, I was treated to the freedom to wonder around set on my own accord. I wondered passed the holding bin where the extras from the previous day peered out at me longingly. I smiled sheepishly and ran off to my next shot. I made a total of 56 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and 15 turkey sandwiches that day in order to get the “Oscar (The award, not the hell) Winning Untitled Josh Berman Peanut Butter Scene” wrapped.

The next shots were close ups of chase scenes. Oscar played the boy parts, I played the girls. You remember Oscar: Hell from the day before? He actually is Asst. Dir. on the Burn Notice series and a notorious camera attention whore. That’s right kiddos, Burn Notice… my 7 steps to Bruce Campbell just got a whole lot smaller. In fact, I am now only one step away and that one step has seen me in my undergotchies. Eh…one explanation coming right up:

I didn’t look like either of the actresses I doubled for and I didn’t fit their clothes, either. Chase scenes are AMAZINGLY fun. Chase scenes in clothes that are too small are even more fun. I sat with my pants down around my knees (guess who isn’t union?) as Oscar and a few other crew members smirked down at me from outside the car and the videographer leaned down between my legs to get a shoot of my foot stomping the gas peddle. In another scene, in another car I was wedged inside a rental SUV with a huge stage light in the passenger seat and more boys between my legs in completely professional scenarios.

“Ok, your husband just told you he wants a divorce, you’re backing over his (item I can’t disclose). Got it?”

“Oh, I got this in the bag.” I smirked as I threw the car into reverse with Academy Award winning gusto. I could already hear my acceptance speech in my head.

*This film stuff get’s tricky.

12-14-10

2010 Collection of Moments

I’m leaving on a jet plane, or cowboy take me away? Either way in two days I’ll be leaving the snowy hillsides of Western PA bound south once again. This time just outside the flat industrial wasteland of Houston where the horizon meets the waters of Clear Lake. The land of sail boats, sweet tea and NASA.

The last year has been a whirl wind. I’ve found myself at first the unwitting traveler in the beginning. Now as the year comes to a close, I hope the next year keeps the same pace of change and voice and hope. I want to count it down, reminisce with a microblog of my favorite moments.

1. Sebastian, FL: The bare strand that attaches me to the tiny sea village snaps. At the back door of my shop listening to Monsters of Folk watching pines.

2. Melbourne, FL: Visit the Otters one last time.

3. Vero Beach, FL: Ride Lola over the bridge, grab dinner amongst the eclectic collection of Mr. Sexton and accompany my bike helmet as a date to the theatre.

4. Atlanta, GA: Sit in a rainstorm on the lawn of the Gardens listening to She & Him with a boy who was passing through for a moment.

5. Columbus, GA: Visit Fort Benning as a conscientious observer instead of a conscientious objector.  Learn.

6. Roswell, GA: Conquer my fear of dogs and damns as I hike through the kutzu and remnants of an old cotton mill destroyed during the Civil War.

7. Sandy Springs, GA: Grow my own figs, translate directions into Korean via iPhone for a little lost lady on the T.

8. Panama City, FL: Learn about life on an air force base.

9. Little Five Points, GA: Sip tea and watch: cats in the alley, dogs at my feet, artists on the streets, hipsters in a bar. Fall in love with stories.

10. Candler Park, GA: Sip tea & knit at night on the lawn of the hippy commune, listening to the drum circle in the distance. Squirrel induced pecan showers.

11. Decatur, GA: Art, stories, wine, songs and humility at a dinner party in a cottage in the woods.

12. Douglas, GA: Escaped Atlanta with little more than a bruised arm and dignity. Kick off the road trip by helping a lost woman w dementia escape the cold.

13. Saint Augustine, FL: Sip Stella across from Flagler College. Bask in the sun and Spanish architecture.

14. Fort Pierce, FL: Throw some things into a room at a friends house. More to this than I can justify in words at the moment.

15. Daytona, FL: Mom freaks out at the sight of the speedway. Realize how cute she is.

16. Savannah, GA: Redefine memories, explore a tall ship.

17. Beckley, WV: Dine with my mom amongst the art shops of Tamarck, our roadtrip comes to an end.

18. Volant, PA: Relive one of my favorite adventures in the area.

19. Pittsburgh, PA: Explore the streets in the rain, grab tea at my favorite indy-art-space-turned-coffee-shop and people watch on my favorite streets.

20. Edgewood, PA: Walk with the artist boy from the past through the Park. Disappear back into history where we came from.

21. Colombiana, OH: Get lost in a corn maze, have the most awesome, intense, innocent first hand holding moment EVER.

22. Wheeling, WV: Drive through the Festival of Lights reliving my favorite Christmas tradition of my youth.

23. Beaver, PA: Surrounded by good friends, good food and good wine at a table in the window talking about High School.

24. Odessa, DE: Watch the fife and drum corps from the window of my friend’s historic home during the Christmas festival.

25. Bethany Beach, DE: Breakfast, teas and chicken and waffles and seaweed with a good friend Decorating Christmas tree and watching specials.

26. Rehoboth Beach, DE: The best focaccia bread EVER from the farmer’s market. Lunch at the Green Man.

27. Ocean City, MD: dime machines, skee ball and photo booth. ‘Nuff said.

28. Milton, DE: Crazy tree, crazy brewery, crazy small alcohol tolerance.

29. New Brighton, PA: Dinner and movies at my aunt’s house. Fruit of the Forest pie.

30. Houston, TX

12-13-10

on Identity and Kipling

Dear Shell,

My wife of ten years and I are currently separating, and my world is falling apart. This is the first time in my life I have been single. I don’t know what to do.

~ Crushed and Confused

Dear Crushed,

Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If–” defines strength as facing life’s challenges with dignity and grace. Most of the poem involves practicing virtuous self restraint in our decisions and actions (ex. “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”), but one verse in particular stands out from the rest:

“Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:”

The rest of the poem involves traits we can develop except this: rebuilding will happen over time whether we consciously try to cultivate it or not. It’s a continuous cycle: we build, it breaks, we build again. Walls crumble, people change, relationships redefine themselves. We get in trouble when our personal identities are built upon anything that is susceptible to change.

When things like these fall out or change we are left very little more than pain and time. The pain you are experiencing now is not only normal, but very real. When something changes physically with our body: a bone breaks, we get a nose job or cancer consumes healthy cells your body informs you of the change via pain. When our identities change, there is still pain but instead of physical it is cognitive. Some call it an Identity Crisis. Psychoanalytical theorist Erik Erikson describes the situation as “Moratorium” or the state when identities are being explored. It’s not a crisis but a time of exploration.

You had a cohesive identity when you were in your previous relationship, it dissolved and now you need to redefine your identity to regain cohesion. People often throw around terms like “co-dependency” to describe a person defining their identity by their relationships with others, but a fine line separates the unhealthy state of co-dependency and normalcy and that usually involves additions or abuse.

Anybody who has been in a relationship sees the way it alters reality. Things like friends, hobbies and priorities change when you go from “single” to “couple”. It’s only normal that identities are altered in some way by the presence and absence of interpersonal relationships.

So what can you do? Gather those tools of yours: Time, Distraction and Experience. It’s time to fill in the holes in your identity, which you will ultimately learn is not built on others but on the way we handle the inevitable obstacles that come with the natural progression of life.

Solitude and rumination are deadly right now. Get out there and distract yourself: try new things, new friendships, new social clubs, and new hobbies. Throw yourself into life head first. You are at an amazing point in your life, you can redefine whoever and whatever you want to become for the remaining portion of it. You’re allowed to make mistakes in the process.

The best thing you can do right now is give yourself time. Time moves all things forward and life puts itself back together with a little patience, just allow it to happen.

“If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

12-09-10

Dear All,

Ok, so the new proposal has been sent. Fingers crossed. I can’t even begin to thank all of my dear friends and fans who helped me in so many ways: from sanity maintenance to questions to editing to helping me find my voice. You guys are amazing. I love you all.

12-06-10

on Cognitive Acclimation

Dear Shell,

What would life be without drama?

~ Love, Purveyor of Drama

Dear POD,

I suppose it depends on how you define “Drama,” it is a relatively ambiguous term. I am guessing your response is going to be less objective and more subjective: you will define “drama” by certain events that occurred in the passed. Drama is when a girl does this, this and this or a friend does that. By breaking down the events that lead up to your generalization on the matter allows you to identify actual traits in people you want to stay away from in the future. That being said…

Dramatic events and situations are difficult and often push us to the ends of our limits, but it is necessary not only for us to grow as people, but also to maintain who we are now. Humans experience cognitive acclimation to emotional stressors in the same way our bodies acclimate to environmental stressors like heat.

Let’s look at Holmes and Rahe’s Stress Scale as an example. The scale shows 43 stressful life events that can occur. At the low end of the scale, ranging from about 10-20 life units (LU) include vacations, Christmas and parking tickets. A bit higher in the 40-50 LU range is pregnancy, marriage and retirement. At the extreme end of the scale is divorce, imprisonment and death of a spouse.

Definitions of what defines a dramatic event varies based on what emotional stressors are already present in a person’s life.  For instance,”Trouble with the boss” carries about 23 life units with it. A person right out of college (end school:26 + change in residence:20 + change in social activities:18 = 64LU) might have a lower threshold to emotional stress, so their response to boss trouble might be more intense than to someone who is in the middle of settling down and starting a family (marriage:50 + pregnancy:40 + change in personal habits:24 = 114LU). To someone dealing with loss of life, this may not even register on their emotional radar (loss of spouse:100 + retirement:45 + change in health of a family member:44 = 189LU).

11-27-10

on Video Games

Dear Shell,

Seriously, 360 or PS3. Not which one has better specs, which is more fun? No reviews, which do you think is better and why?

~ Curious

Dear Curious,

I refuse to answer this question until Wii comes out with a Karma Sutra edition.

~ Shell

11-24-10

on Social Anxiety

Dear Geekery-Guru,

I find I want to be out tonight, but am afraid that my social anxiety/awkwardness will rear it’s ugly head once/if I do venture out. Any proven remedy for keeping the shyness at bay?

– Up But Not Out In The Empire State

Dear Empire State,

Social anxiety sucks, and even in it’s minor form can be crippling. First and foremost, if anxiety is to the point that it is interfering with your ability to lead a functional life you may need to talk to a professional. That being said, anxiety happens. It’s normal and everyone experiences it. However, there are a few ways to tame it:

1. Stay balanced. Many times things like caffeine, excessive sugar, drugs and alcohol can not only immediately exacerbate feelings of anxiety but can throw you off balance for a day or two after as well. Additionally, cognitive functions can be effected by dietary allergies as well. Gluten allergies have been mistakenly treated as things like ADHD and Autism so it may be worth considering how else allergies can manifest themselves in our body. Keeping a food diary to track your emotional and physical responses to what you eat is trite and boring but in just a few days can give you amazing insight to the way your body responds to certain foods.

2. Find out “Why?” Introspection can help you determine what triggers your anxiety by identifying what runs through your mind immediately prior to the onset of anxiety. More times than not it’s some sort of self defeating statement: “I’m too tall/too short/too thin/too cantankerous”. Here is a secret: everyone in the room is battling some sort of  self esteem issues. This is good news. It can be difficult for people to silence their own internal voices long enough to notice what you are worried about. You major area of concern is hardly a blip on their screen and chances are they won’t notice it.

3. Learn to laugh at yourself. Have a witty comeback when someone attempts to open a conversation with you on the wrong note. They are either fumbling with their own social issues or see you as a threat and are trying to beat you down. Either way a sense of humor will get you to the other side with flying colors. Embrace your uniqueness, it just means you don’t have to dress like a peacock to get attention in a room.

4. Strike up a conversation, immediately. As soon as you walk through the door, find a person or group of interesting people and force yourself to strike up a conversation. NOT WITH THE BARTENDER. This will do three things: 1.) help distract you from your surroundings and the attention that you are giving to your anxiety, 2.) help you develop allies at the venue and 3.) make you appear socially valuable to others at the venue making it easier to socialize and strike up conversations later in the night.

5. Remember why you came! You are there to have fun, why the hell would you waste your time if you could be doing something else? You are having fun, right? I mean, you didn’t let your friends drag you to a bar when you would rather be at a cafe curled up with a good book, right?

11-17-10

Sticky

“What do we like?” “Clean, safe routines, guaranteed to stick” ~Stick It.

First and foremost: yes, I am watching Stick It. Lead flippy girl is hot, and hot flippy girls doing flips is hot. Flipping, smart ass hot girls are an excellent distraction from what needs to be done. What needs to be done? Everything, because everything was a gamble. You threw it on the table because it just didn’t matter anymore, and the freedom that comes with nothing was much more appealing than everything in your hand.

Losing faith in the middle of throwing everything in a round of roulette is harrowing. I don’t recommend it, but I don’t recommend not trying it at least one. My life right now represents my current exercise in pursuing the unsafe. Nothing is guaranteed to stick, but try enough routes to the ultimate goal and you are bound to find something with a sticky nature. That’s the right path. Now you pursue it, study it, analyze it’s stickiness and build on it. Find out how it works, why it works and how it could work better. Stoop and build it back up with worn out tools. (Kipling, dude, Kipling)

Don’t lose faith. Don’t ever lose faith. At the bottom of faith lies an empty grave just waiting to suck you in: mortal and nameless. So you want me to write? You want me to help people? Fine. Just give me a sign of what to build on next. Show me the sticky.

~ Shell

P.S. Did all this talk about sticky things turn you on a bit?

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