04-22-04

I see dead people

…ok so its a tasteless choice for a title, but it describes my day to a tee. Standing in front of the gorgeous window facade of la strada today people watching as i do i looked out the window and saw this. the most powerful marketing campaign ever. But in all seriousness the fucking things drove around the block eight times through out the day and triggered a lovely anxiety attack from me.

I don’t give a fuck what your preference of moral mindset is, this is fucked up. I am pro-choice, if you can live with the outcome and the emotional mind fuck killing a child will put you through more power to you, i personally wouldn’t do it. But don’t go putting pieces of dead babies all over the fucking streets… and then these fuckers don’t do anything with their website? what kind of idiots do shit like this? I would say people who truly care about their message, but to put imgs like this up to get attention to a site then to do nothing with the site to continue spreading your message tells me one thing. Its not about the message its about how many people you can emotionally fuck with in a day. Leave it to the religious righters.

Yay! dead baby pieces! i should look at it optimistically and rave about the marketing genius behind it, but i supppose i am just rubbed the wrong way b/c i can’t do the whole conception thing let alone worry about dead baby parts and particles. So here is to an emotionally disturbing day.

04-22-04

the sex machine and the devil

being a huge fan of tarantino films as i am apt to be, i about had a heart attack when a lovely gentlemen came into la strada yesterday and handed me his business card. Tom Savini was standing four feet from me and i maintained my composure, i’m not really the kind of person to fall to pieces over other people just because their jobs are cooler than mine, but his job is so much cooler than mine it is almost painful. Besides being in physical contact with salma hayek, this man has done the special effects and makeup for god knows how many b-rated horror flicks. Funny thing was he looked just like he did as “sex machine” in Dusk Till Dawn, only wearing a green scrub top and no…um… guns.

And the devil made an alarming appearance yesterday as well, slightly shocked but half expecting it he called, i answered thinking it to be our typical hi…bye conversation. Instead he came over…and wanted to hug? Nooooooo. I haven’t seen you in whats going on two months, could you please get real? I would have believed him to be a downright liar if i hadn’t looked at his palm… ladies learn this, it clears up so much confusion. Not that it is any better that he is an emotional rollercoaster but it eases my mind to know that i haven’t been overlooking various games i make a habit out of calling and staying away from.

I was proud of myself. I told him “friends” as he ran his hand down my leg and i batted it away, i felt like a kitten :). I told him “friends” as he leaned in towards me and i turned my head. I told him “friends” as he wanted to cuddle with me, kiss my neck and all sorts of naughty stuff i don’t do with friends. And in the end i told myself “friends” as he was playing a wonderfully delicious game of “faces/places”. Every girl needs a friend like that.

Now most people would be like “shell, friends don’t let friends…do that!” well i am a nice friend, why do you think i have so many? :) Just kidding. I am not falling back into the wonderlust of prior devil boy experiences, i know better, it just felt comfortable, which is something i haven’t experienced in the sexual sense since well before the Lake Placid episode. I wasn’t freaking out and uptight while laying next to him as i have been in the past when boys tried to start things. I have made a few boys quite frustrated because i just couldn’t…

Because i was scared and hurt and that night would keep flashing before my eyes or i would wake up in a full blown panic attack and knock Mr. I-fell-asleep-here-b/c-i-missed-the-last-bus-to-whereever out of bed and on his ass. Because i forgot how to see pure beauty in the male form, it was repulsive to me for a while, it scared me and i didn’t want it near me. Last night i saw each part and piece as i had in the past, shadows and highlights in muscle tone, softness, warmth, smoothness as i swept my fingers across. They found their place in the crevice by the hip bones and i knew i was home. My kisses had passion again, the lack of which was probably the most scary for me. Hollow, empty kisses make life empty and hollow when you dont know if you will ever feel differently again.

Maybe that project for concept developement is working theraputically as i had hoped, looking at my sexuality like this has led me to tears, drinking and finally “faces/places” with the devil but i think i might have finally broken through what i needed to. And to top it off, i am going to have one hell of an art piece when all is said and done. Or maybe all i needed was time. Whatever it was i am truely grateful.

I missed the pure, erotic tension that i felt last night. C’est magnifique. Aphrodite hasn’t left me, she was there all along, holding my hand till i was ready again…its like the “footprints” poem only with leather and lubricant.

04-21-04

Two apple martinis and a drunk mgr.

Walking across town last night i found myself to be almost trampled by a large crowd of theatre people, it was the scariest thing to happen yet. But assuming the places intown would be open a little later i decided to grab a drink. So I finally stopped by Bossa Nova’s for that martini i have been meaning to get. The atmosphere was wonderful. I was a bit perterbed that i couldn’t just have a drink with out being oogled by every guy in there, i was going in to detox for f-sake. I mean, there is a time and place a girl likes to get oogled, mine have long since flown the wayside since i get paid to be oogled at la strada.

Sitting at the bar a nice older gentlemen came up and we started discussing apple martinis. Apparently since i didn’t call the vodka i was drinking schmirnoff which was no good in his books considering he was a representative from absolut vodka. So he bought me another drink, or his friend who he introduced me too later did, either way someone (i am hoping) paid for my two martinis, one with schmirnoff (bad me) and one with absolut (yay.), who may i add have a pretty yummy website. meh, in the end they turned out to be right and i ended up apologizing for my novice mistake.

So about the vendor’s friend…a restaurant manager from a place i love to go (think chardonnay and pasta primevera) who was completely smashed and kept trying to kiss me. Thank goodness they bought me a second martini becuase it made the situation less painful. Optimistically speaking however it is refreshing to be able to be able to use new psuedonyms instead of “artist boy” and “artist boy with piercings or glasses or purple hair” or “artist boy who is way younger and way less mature than he needs to be to get in my pants.” I am about ready to just give them numbers because even i was mixing them up a bit. Anyway drunken mgr. guy had just gotten back from Movin Out (Billy Joel’s Musical that is in town, opening night) and was incredibly drunk, like eye rolling drunk. I answered the same questions three times including something about marriage… which was way too soon in the conversation to be talking about such nonsense. i have my pugs and my apple martinis to keep me content for a while, minus my every so once in a while slip up. But that made me think, if thats what pick up lines consist of now days what are women becoming and/or what do guys think we are. Plus he refered that i might be lying on three seperate occasions, two of which involved the vodka debate. I pointed out it was pointless to loss my morality over something as stupid as vodka and i wasn’t lying.

GAAAWWWD, then the vendor kept coming over telling us we made a great couple, i wanted to puke. By the third time he stopped by and used the acronym CCC (cute couple on campus) i was calling my exit. Don’t get me wrong, i knew he meant well but i refuse to be used as a marketing piece for absolut. Then drunken mgr’s cute intellegtual-verging-on-gay friend said something about making sure i didn’t go home with him, which i assured him i wouldn’t. Now i am easy and a liar? I am not going to take it personally, i am sure it is just what their past experiences with females have taught them. Which leads to another thing…ladies, come on, some of you out there had to act this way for these men to think this…Pavlovian effect. The red light goes on the dog thinks it will get shocked and jumps. In this case the dog sees pussy, the dog assumes it will get shocked, or laid and lied too. Neurosis and sex, meh that sounds about right.

04-20-04

toys, yay!

today at work i was standing around playing with the ostrich feather duster when the maitre d’ came by, gave me a wiked grin and asked if i liked toys. This took a few seconds to process before i started turning beet red and smiled sheepishly. I was very glad this was my reaction and not the typical “i prefer chains” answer which would usually accompany such a question aimed at me. The maitre d’ has an exquisite temper but luckily i have found the easiest way to deal with it, so when his angers flair in my direction i turn on sme charm and walla, situation done. I think i only fought with him once over something, we bickered for a minute and a half about a man who wanted to set his own table before i finally smiled, said it was a none issue and walked away. But the gentleman knows his wine, which is very intoxicating to me, and apparently his sex toys. oh my.

i fear everyone at work has a perverted streak, and they were all exercising these streaks today…in my general direction. One of the waiters mentioned something about his wife and i, the bartender said something else, the cleaning guy another. It was hard to keep my sense of humor about it all when i realized finally the sad but true fact that it has been half a year since i had sex…muahaha. I think the least sexual thing that happened all day was when the bartender asked me what my favorite potato chips were, oh wait, within ear shot of GM Joe, so that too was sexual.

It was probably when he gave me gum with pepper in it. i will get even with him (the bartender, oh yes, and i have help too :) )

04-20-04

apple martinis

skipped class to go shopping, walked away from a pair of shoes with my name all over them, so proud of myself. They were so sexy. I’m kind of sad, oh well.

Went to happy hour and had a martini, was spotted by the doorman as the girl from La Strada, felt like i was on the reverse side of a celebrity sighting. Oh well, I’m fabulous darling, what can i say? lol, the apple martini i had was intoxicating and i am very much content. Think tomorrow i will stop by bossa novas and try one of theirs, lots of middle age fabulous folks there, don’t think it will be quite me scene, but maybe their martinis will be a bit better. Also thinking saturday night i will stop by hi-tops, which is even less my scene, but there was this lovely blue eyed boy who winked at me on my way home from work last weekend so with alittle luck and enough martinis i should find a new winking friend or two.

Sigh, sadly another disasterous date however. Had coffee with a dissapointing prospect after work and before happy hour (hence me even going to happy hour). Bi-polar weather, bi-polar men.

04-18-04

Trust no one

90 degrees in the ‘burgh. I went on an adventure after church today… I went down to the riverview park and watched the ducks for a few minutes, then across town to the point. Here they were having some sort of festivities celebrating the french and indian war, everyone was tromping around in indian and colonial garb, smiling inspite of the 90 degree heat. Or maybe it was 90 degree heat that was making them smile, dillusional from heat exhaustion. None the less i looked in on a few stands, jewlery and leatherwork and clothes, and wished i had cashed my check last week. Sigh, its probably better that way, or else i would have spent my income tax return on a leather satchel.

After that i wondered a bit further, down to the point itself and walked around the fountain. Everyone was there, kids in the water, ppl walking dogs, ppl dancing, reading, drawing, kicking balls around, rugby, i loved it. I love living in the city, the diversity and the happiness of everyone makes everyday wonderful.

So after i made my way around the fountain, stopping half way to get in a few pages of Paradiso until the fountain spray decided to come my way, i found a spot under a tree and started to draw. A few minutes went by and a man came up to me to ask for a dime. I apologized that i couldn’t help him (i myself needed a quarter :) ). Then he stopped dead in his tracks and asked if i was an alien. GOOD GREIF. If one more person calls me a friggin alien or makes refernece to me not being from this planet i will cry. He said my eyes were beautiful/intense and he just wondered where i came from. I began to explain about my mom and dad but i guess he already knew that, considering i was sitting there. He told me i was beautiful after a few minutes of art small talk, said he guessed this would be considered harrassment and walked away.

I don’t know. perhaps i am an alien, a little intimidating jupiter running around a planet full of mars and venuses all confused and bumping off each other.

All i do know is this, someone made crappy calorie free stuff in my pitcher and i was so looking forward to kool-aid today. sigh. oh well.

04-17-04

like rubbernecking a highway accident made entirely of words

If “elitist” just means “not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,” I’ll be an elitist.

~get your war on (brought to you by laur and the letters K and Y.)

04-16-04

nauseous

I was talking to a potential roommate today, he was from Houston at one point in his life and it made me think of danilo. I googled danilo like i am apt to do every few months (couple months…same difference :) ) and i decided to email him, despite better warning by my mother and aunt and beth… and he actually emailed me back. Now i am sick to my stomach, shaky and nervous feeling. For christ sake its danilo, just stop. What is wrong with me, why am i still hung up on him after all this time. This is stupid ridiculous. Besides i am sure he is probably married to some model by now. Arg. Please quit being afraid of him. No more intimidation. He was always one to make me feel little about myself, even though indirectly…i was always intimidated by him. No mas. I was always afraid he was just interested in me as sex, i have been fighting that for so long, shell is sex. I am so much more than that.

I am not defined by my past relationships with males (as my professor wanted to point out to the class yesterday), i am not defined by the males who were too ridiculous to see me as anything beyond their own libido. I am beautiful and brilliant and just b/c you defined our relationship by sex (jay) does not mean that i did. If it was just sex to you it was never just sex to me or i would have been gone after the first night. There, i fought it. That was my demon. That was a very uneventful, unorgasmic fight considering all the torment it has put me through.

And so, with out further ado… i want to get married, i want a family and a pug and a suburbian life style with a touch of modern/industrial style. I am defined by my hopes and dreams and fairytale optimism. You all just never bothered to understand. Assumptions.

04-14-04

addictive like crack…only more fun

So perhaps i have a living situation i can actually afford, i find out more tonight. I was walking around downtown today after work on my way to buy a new umbrella…the two greatest casualties of living in the city, umbrellas and stockings, i go through both as if they were water. I realized, if this apartment thing comes through i will have nothing left to work towards, i won’t need another job, i will be able to afford everything the way it is, schools settled for the moment, thats it, nothing. I will be completely stable. So the next thought that popped into my head is “this is why ppl have relationships, for something to do when there is nothing left to work towards in the immediacy of the present.” then i thought that was a very tragic waste of time and began to get depressed if all i had to look forward to was the next time i had drinks with a so-and-so of the week. In case you haven’t noticed, so-an-so’s have lost their appeal to me and i haven’t really wanted to do to much drinking with them.

Then it hit me, i needed a new addiction, and i found it…shoes! yay shoes! In the last two days i have bought three new pairs of shoes and yum, shoes are great, better than sex. So my new addiction is shoes, because i am not planning on moving for a couple of years anywhere new I am now in a position to be able to accumulate things like shoes and clothes… yay clothes! So my new addiction is fashion, my own style of course, which i suppose reeks of sex (you should see the heels on the brown pair i bought today, and the white ones yesterday). So in the end i get my sex and eat it too…the shear exercise of masochism wearing some of these babies would even bring in a bit of BDSM into my life once again. yay BDSM!

04-14-04

Now i realized why i had an itch to call him…

Now i realized why i had an itch to call him…he was thinking about me, i came home to an IM from him. Sunday i figured if i had to call him i would wait until wednesday, then call when i knew he would be at work. Then when he called back i would be busy (undoubtedly for when am i not busy?) and so on and so forth until one of us went mad. and since i am already there and i would wager large amounts of money that he is already mad as well, we would have an eternal game of phone tag until the end of time. muahaha! eternal phone tag.

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