We're All Mad Here » 2004

04-30-04

I don’t want to talk about it.

I cleaned the glass today at work. You know that kind of cleaning, the frantic scrubbing of hours on end just to get the fucking thoughts in my head to silence themselves…the boy induced cleaning. I had sex with Mr. A. Or atleast what most people would classify as sex. But after about ten minutes he looks at me and says “just relax.” I get extremely nausceous and fighting the urge to curl up on my side I look him in the eyes and say “ok, i can’t do this. I thought i could and i really want to but i can’t.” and i couldn’t.

We cuddle, I tense and quite he watches me. “Whats wrong.” I know whats wrong. “I don’t want to talk about it.” “You can talk to me about it.” I look at him.

The funny thing was i couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to him about it. I did, don’t get me wrong. But as soon as the words left my mouth i knew i would never hear from him again. And i didn’t. So the funny thing was, i could talk about it, but not with him. And now when all is said and done i keep trying to talk myself around the situation but the truth of the matter is i feel just as disgusting as i did all those months ago when all this shit first started. Surface view i am fine, oh my god, he was wonderful and yummy and smelt good and i wanted to torture him until he cried, but when we were inbed together i couldn’t get past the anxiety, the same feelings as the first few times i actually slept in the same bed as another guy again. I tried to ignore it but i couldn’t and my body reacted physically to it and then sex was a no go, and i was left in a bed with Mr. A, myself and Him, an imaginary ghost of a person who caused me so much pain so long ago. And for one brief minute i hated myself. Then I realized it wasn’t me, i just needed more time, but i knew Mr. A wouldn’t be able to give me the time i needed, i knew he wouldn’t understand and i knew how he would view me, and so he did and i hadn’t heard from him since.

So now i feel broken, I was fine and whole and then last year something horrible happened and the world stopped and i broke down so i left huntingdon to escape it and it followed me here and now it haunts me still and i am still broken and the world still hasn’t started to move yet so i just pretend that it does and go around as if it does and just ignore any parts that suggest otherwise. Everyone treats me as though i am still walking, talking, breathing, sexuality and i just smile as a pang of emptiness reminds me of whats gone. I still don’t know where to find it.

04-28-04

Mixed thoughts

I am getting mixed reactions from those i have told about the job. Some think it is wonderful, others are frightened due to the increasing turmoil in that region. Samira was excited, and i think above all if she was sceptical then perhaps i would rethink it. Qatar is a penninsula right off of saudi. The only thing is, her parents are trying to come to the US to escape the violence there…or so the reasoning goes from others. Qatar doesn’t really have involvement in the current situation, besides minor tifts with the US for covering what they are doing in Iraq… in a very untypical US fashion, instead of us “liberating” and “playing with poofay bunnies” we are pounding and besieging and killing…soundbites not typically used by our own media.

So here my stomach turns, i would love the experience and i know if it is offered to me i would go, but part of me is hesitant, no matter what my political views are, no matter how much i agree or disagree with our governments choices, no matter how open-minded i am I will still be viewed as an American, in all its stereotyped glory. Its not necessarily a bad thing, emotionally draining after a time, until it puts my life at risk…will that happen in qatar who knows? Who knows a year from now where the world will be…Maybe just being an American in Pittsburgh, Houston, Boston, New Brighton, in America in general will be dangerous to our lives. Maybe it already is and we are just to naive or busy to notice.

04-28-04

dear mom, please send martinis…

I almost peed my self at work today. Quite literally, from excitment, much like a dog would i suppose :). But anyway… I sent my resume to many many many companies during my tedious job search, one of which was Carnegie Mellon (the place i would go to if i had the money, But alas, alack i am broke and even the loan people would have had a good laugh with that one)…i digress. Thinking they would laugh at it and delete it much as the other sixty eight some places have due to my lack of degree, i quickly forgot about it and got a job playing musical chairs with forty-somethings instead of web code.

Today i was waiting to hear back from a few apartments in Mt. Lebanon so when my phone rang in the middle of work i answered it. Here it was a lady calling about my application… that i submited a month ago…. for the job in qatar. I have an interview tomorrow. I think i would definetly pee myself if i get the job. Qatar, holy geez.

But it is a dry country, dry as in no liquor, no vodka, no martinis… as in none. Hopefully they have wonderful, delicious shoe stores… or i’d go nuts.

Not a dry country…Mt. Lebanon, not a country at all, has a few apartments i am going to be looking at tomorrow. yay. and on friday, yay. plus i need to get my resume together for the John Casablanca’s job tomorrow. yay. RA interview went well, so if worse comes to worse…yay!

04-27-04

Whine and cheese

So my friend is whining because she has to spend the summer on the beach, my other friend is whining because her boyfriend won’t teach her how to surf (as she is on the back of a boat on the atlantic), and i whine because i go out with two or three fabulous (albeit slightly unstable) boys a week. How funny are we? This is what we have to complain about in our lives? That is wonderful, amen.

And the more i think about it, the more i should have always been thankful for what i had, instead of focusing on the hardknocks, which turned out to be a complete waste of time. The lesson is not that i could survive whatever was given to me, the lesson is now i know how to bypass ever having to deal with it. Don’t get myself in shit situations, have the guts to live how i want to.

I also spent way too much time on all the losers who didn’t know what they had to begin with (comp. geeks, psuedo BDSM boys, wannabe candy ravers who shoved pills up their asses). Funny thing is when i talk to these people now they still think they mean something in my life, that they influenced it in someway almost like they wanted to cause me pain and haunt me forever. Take for example our wanabe raver friend. We had a conversation the other day, i didn’t really think much of it but apparently he did because later that night his away message was apologizing profusly to me. What is that?

04-27-04

"Hello darling, this is the devils mom…"

Talked to devil boy on the phone yesterday. I had gotten a few phone calls from a Plum Boro Municipal Authority, and wondered what the hell was going on. Apparently it was his mom. His mom was calling me for some god forsaken reason or another. I saw an episode of Sex and the City which was similiar except when all was said and done she got a bag of weed that goes for $400 an eighth, all i will get is this losey t-shirt (errr…sweater, and a donnie brasco dvd, how is that fair.) So i told him yeasterday i met someone new. Hey, he wanted to be friends, friends share the details, except i really don’t share the details with my friends too much anymore, why bother. Its the same story, different names. I could feel his temperature get a few degrees cooler after i told him, and he kept referring to me having fun with the new guy. MEP! Twelve years old i swear!

So today i need to call this lady about an apartment in Mt. Lebanon that is available in July. Then I have an interview at a five star restaurant (who needs four when you can have five?) and then another at the school for an RA position which i am not sure i really want to take. And inbetween the two i think i will stop by the place with the job i really really really want and see if they recieved my resume. Wenesday is the same thing, even though i told Mr. A i would get together with him, i need to run to greentree for an interview with a modeling school there, with alittle luck i could be playing musical chairs with a bunch of forty year olds by day, teaching people to walk and talk by night, my life would be complete then. And hopefully visit an apartment or two.

04-26-04

Even my friggin horoscope is telling me i need laid…

astrology.com

April 26, 2004

Sprouts burst from their seeds. Water boils. Volcanoes erupt. You could use a good release, too, when the world becomes too much for you. There’s always vigorous physical exercise, but maybe you see activity as part of the problem instead of the answer to it. Maybe you’ll opt for a hot tub or sauna. Don’t forget the wondrous benefits of massage, either. However you get there, relaxation will improve your outlook. The future seems possible all over again. Dream again without dwelling on the obstacles.

04-26-04

The Analogy of the Shoe

Wednesday i have another date with Mr. A. yay! Its nice to meet someone who i can actually stand going out on another date with. The beauty of it is it isn’t confusing. There are no little quarks in his personality to have a girl running or falling. Its just nice. It is refreshing to meet someone who has a bit more fashion sense than the average boy. Dress shirts and ties, yum. It is also refreshing to meet someone who wears that Victoria Secrets fragrance for guys i am so hard up on. yay!

On another note, went to dingbats with mummay last night, had a Purple Haze martini, yum, delicious. Their turtle cheesecake wasn’t that good, but thats ok, their drinks and pasta were.

Driving home in the car i realized something. I realized that my mom was right when she told me there was more, i couldn’t see it when i was sitting in Dirty Town USA, i mean i knew there was more when i dated John, thats why i got out. But i couldn’t comprehend there being more past school. All I knew was how to survive, to get through it because eventually there would be more. I never realized I could have it now. I never realized it would be like this.

At Juniata there was nothing more beyond what was. Each experience mixed with the last in a nauxios mixture of life lessons and hurt. I was the combination of my past experiences, the influences around me and the chains that hold the inhabitants of Dirty Town in the small valley in which it lays. So in the car i realized that i no longer lived from my past life lessons, they hadn’t even occured to me in ages, i am no longer in survival mood. The past pains and grievances i have let go of, put little to no value on those events and the freedom is amazing.

I’m living…. fabulously mind you. I experience new things daily, meet new people, have wonderful drinks at delicious places with delicious people and eat orgasmic food. I own a half dozen pairs of shoes with heels over 3 inches, and these are the only things i will allow to bring me pain anymore, the only things allowed to leave marks. Just like all the other scars and marks, eventually they fade over time. And the best part about it, you notice them, alot when they are there, every step you take hurts and your whole focus is on them, but the beauty of it is you don’t miss them when they are gone. Juniata was the three inch stilletos i never knew i owned, the pain defined me while i wore them but even now the scars are gone.

You just grow up and get the fuck over it.

04-24-04

Mr. A

And last night Mr. A and i went out, we went to Oliver Twist’s on 6th Street. The place was packed 20 minutes after we sat down with the game and the three shows in town letting out around the same time. I had a Strawberry Martini which was good but no where near as devinely orgasmic as the creme brulee cheescake i had. Oh my gosh a new addiction. So after we left Oliver Twists we were trying to decide where to go next, after bossa novas was found to be packed we went to Mt. Lebanon.

There we went to a little tavern called The Saloon which was a nice down to earth change from the pretensious environments i have become accustomed to. It would have been perfect without all the people. We talked for a while, naming all the places we needed to go: Dave and Busters, the waterfront, sandcastle, the zoo…as if our schedules coinsided at all in order to alot for it. He got up to grab a corona, the man standing in the group next to us leaned into the booth and asked if we were getting married.

I laughed, “No, i couldn’t marry him i’m a lesbian.”

“We’re getting married.”

“Who?”

“We are,” he said gesturing to a large crowd of about eight people.

“All of you?” I raised my eyebrow.

“yeah.” he sipped from his bottle as he looked me up. eww

“What does the insurance company say about that? Benefit wise…do they cover couples of eight?”

“ah, what? I don’t get it.” here his equally witted companion chimed in his agreement.

“me either.”

“yeah i know, sorry i started talking to you.” he pivoted away…then he pivoted back.”We just got back from marriage class.” he tells me as if it were his first day of kindergarten.

“Well, then, i suppose i would need a beer after that as well.” i smiled, he laughed in agreement, i walked over to Mr. A at the bar and suggested we go to his place for some coronas instead, anything to get out of there. Five seconds after the words escaped my mouth i realized i had sealed my own fate. There is always second layers to all things in dating that i have a tendency to be oblivious to.

So the rest of the night was me plotting manuveurs to avoid a long makeout session until i was sober enough to avoid convincing myself that sex would be a fabulous idea because i haven’t had sex in a while. Not really, actually i wasn’t going to have sex at all, i wasn’t comfortable with him, i didn’t want to be that kind of person, morally i just couldn’t sleep with a guy on the first date. But i slept with him anyway, quite literally, passed out in bed next to him in borrowed boxers and a shirt snoring. It was the most comfy bed i have been in in a long long time. And this morning i had done something i haven’t experienced in an equally long time, i laid in bed…for more than fifteen minutes. I laid in bed with him and we watched TV and made fun of everything we turned on, cynical brats as we are. I laid in bed for almost three whole hours with him and it was fabulous, minus the tinge of guilt i feel now for wasting three hours of a day when there is so much to be done.

04-24-04

Small World

Walking around downtown to see what kind of trouble i could get into, i ran into a friend of mine, David from La Strada. I was heading back towards the North Shore amongst the masses of baseball fans and so was he. Caught up with him and filled him in about La Strada. In passing he meantioned that GM Joe is painfully shy…which was very interesting. Explains why he doesn’t talk to me very often but i catch the hints of deviousness in his eyes. Its a damn pity i am painfully shy when it comes to him too, but with enough alcohol who knows? Spent an hour bitching about the streets, more wonderful detox than anything a martini could offer.

And speaking of martinis…Drunken Mgr pushed back the date until later tonight. Apparently he had to go to a funeral of the husband of his bar manager. He was killed in a car accident a few days ago on Liberty. I couldn’t even imagine lossing someone like that. I wouldn’t want to. After years of wondering around the world on your own you finally meet the one and six months after they are married, when they are ready to start a family…to have it all taken from you like that. Its unfair. I pray she finds comfort somewhere, poor thing.

I told drunken mgr (henceforth known as mr. a (as in atria), unless tonight proves he keeps his title), I told mgr mister that we should more it to another night if he wanted to but he said it would be fine. So tonight we are going to grab a drink and what not…later…later than this post…one drink and i will be asleep. But i’m intrigued and he will sure as hell need one after the funeral so i’ll order a coffee on the side. yay caffiene!

David told me i needed laid today. In fact he screamed it to the entire north side. Its been six months, i still have to keep counting to make sure its accurate. I am in disbelief.

04-22-04

Drunken Mgr

So the drunken mgr called me today. interesting. He was alot less drunken and alot more human. He forgot alot of what we talked about the other night, but thats to be expected i suppose considering. So i was invited out tomorrow night either to the ball game if it is not raining or to dinner if it rains. Speaking of dinner….