03-21-04

monkeys and barbie

Woke up yesterday with a migraine coming on. Horrid, my perception was like I was tripping, I wanted to puke, everything was much too loud and too bright, and eventually my head started to kill me. Then I could tell everything that was going to happen through the day…including the looming phone call from the devil.

Sure enough he called, not right after work like I had initially thought, but about a half hour after. Right after work he was wondering through La Strada trying to find me. Um…

“hello?”

“hey. What’s up?”

“wow, strange voice from the past, how are you doing?”

“ from the past? Its only been 4 days…” yeah, since you left a message on my voice mail, about a week since we actually talk and um what two, two and a half weeks since I had a chance to spend anytime with you? You blew me off on like four separate occasions before I quit calling you…this is where I should have said something along the lines of…

what the hell do you want.

“ have you heard anything about that job?” …quick, turn the conversation towards something distracting, himself.

“no, they were going to make their decision this Wednesday.”

My head is going to explode why am I talking to you? The rest of the conversation I don’t remember, I was really spaced at the time due to drugs which I was reduced to taking. Something about his friend going to Niagra Falls, how my stuff was going, oh…yeah, and the fact that he had been in La Strada looking for me.

Why the fuck were you at my work looking for me? Don’t fucking come to my work, ever, looking for me. That is very stocker-ish of you at this point in our “relationship.” And allow me to define this relationship…there is none, it doesn’t actually exist and therefore coming to my work to look for me is not romantic or sweet as it might be in any other circumstance but ex-geek-boyfriend-like stocker creepy. PLEASE DON’T FUCKING STOCK THE SHELL, PEOPLE! Seriously, if we had dinner or coffee or lunch in the last week or two it might be acceptable but don’t come to my place of frequency for the sole reason to track me down after long periods of absence, its just unsettling ya’ll.

Absence works in seduction in moderation, which is at what I thought he was about at first. In long periods it allows little girls to get their heads on straight and then your illusion is destroyed. Gone, finito, done. Long periods make little girls wonder what little boys do in long periods and why little boys can abstain from little girls for more than a few days. So when he uses the excuse he’s been working on his computer during the long periods of not talking to him every warning flag goes off in my head, plus a few I borrowed for dramatic emphasis. Wait a minute, I’ve dated you before…twice actually. Back to the stocker thing…

Now between PNC and La Strada lies a piece of glass and only a piece of glass, la strada is on the ground floor of his work, but you still have to go out into the elements to get to our door. Now some might use this see through barrier as the reason he felt comfortable coming over to say hello, but we need to analyze the purpose of said glass. Its there so I don’t have to deal with you. Its like looking at the monkeys in the zoo. If the monkey in the zoo came over the glass you’d freak, same reasoning here. You can walk by a monkey behind a piece of glass at the zoo without acknowledging its existence, but if that same monkey was sitting in your office, you’d have no choice but to notice the monkey.

Now this piece of glass also works against me, everyday devil boy goes to lunch and comes back from lunch and everyday I am standing in that window in heels and a skirt with a big smile on my face. This is what Mattel does to little kids, they wrap Barbie up in a box with a see-through front and you can’t touch Barbie unless you buy her which only increases the desire of Barbie ten fold. Now you can see Barbie, and you want to touch Barbie (in devil guys case he wants to bend Barbie over the hostess station and…well anyway) but you can’t, and to top matters off, Barbie won’t even acknowledge your existence, she just smiles and stares off into space. I wonder what the monkeys think about us at the zoo?

…. 10 minutes after hello…..

“I was just calling to say hi, I should let you go…”

“well, it was good talking to you, keep in touch.”

“ whats wrong?”

“what do you mean? I have a headache, a migraine, other than that nothing.”

“well, alright, bye.” What was wrong was that I was doing everything in my power to keep from asking exactly which drugs the doctors gave him for his personality disorder. God damn devil boy. Get real.

03-19-04

interests: she

I should be sitting in a classroom as we speak, but i am not. I am frantically trying to develope a campaign that was due today but for some fucking reason i can’t find a macro shot of a womens ankle in a stilleto.

So i am taking a few moments out to think. Maybe my father was right, maybe my head is too far up my ass to have any meaningful relationship. I am too absorbed in my own self. The funny thing is, i always thought my self drive and motivation came from him. His self drive and motivation has kept him from having a meaningful relationship with my brother and I for all these years. My mother has the self-interest of an infant, needy and intruding. So with what is suppose to be my two closest relationships mimicing high school, how on earth am i suppose to have a normal relationship with someone? What is a normal relationship?

Then i realized i am not that self-absorbed, i open doors for people, smile at children, laugh at pugs. My life is not defined by my position in it, but by all the people and things that push back. my life is defined by the coffee i drink and the conversations i have. So what is wrong? whats with this insane fear of vulnerability?

why this insane need to figure this out? I don’t have time for a relationship now, look at everything that is going on. Its just i feel horrible, i feel like i need to have the answers in order to stop hurting these poor guys who fall for me. I just want to be friends, i end up become their main interest. I feel like i can’t make friends with anyone new without finding myself in a situation like this. I hate situations like this. And the irony of this whole thing is the one i fell for doesn’t feel the same.

What do i even say to them? Sorry, i can’t do this. i believe in fairy tales and princes on white stallions. And when i thought that what i found was a fairytale full of magic clocks and rides into the sunset, i woke up in a castle of thorns in love with a devil who may or may not exist. So you see, this will never work, but we can still have coffee on thursdays right?

03-19-04

off color

walking through downtown with artist boy at night in the rain, we just sat in a cafe for two hours talking over coffee. Walk by this little cuban restraunt and decide to try it out. Wonderful. Picadillo and fried plantains…who could ask for anything more?

Back out on the street after a lovely dinner and its raining and cold, i suggest a taxi, artist boy says why wreck tradition? Everytime we go out its raining and cold. And it was about to get colder. He tells me about how he went out on a date with another girl a few weeks ago, and when she asked if he wanted to do it again he tought no. I inserted an off color comment of somesort or another. He said he guessed he was trying to say that he was interested in “this” (being us) and nothing else. I inserted an off color silence as a scream ripped through my mind.

I can’t do this anymore, i can’t do relationships or sex or intimacy or any of it. I don’t want to, it’s not that i try and i can’t, its that i have no desire to. I don’t have the energy to move through life as a two. I don’t have the attention span. When i was younger i would do gymnastic routines to keep up with others, i’d give 100% of myself. Now my stomach turns at the thought and i feel horrible. I have met some wonderful people in my life and i wish i was able to, but i can’t.

03-18-04

geek tricks

um yeah, sitting coding for the first time in ages…and all those months of geek rehab flushed down the drain. but thats alright, it is turning out good, so i don’t mind…

old site: www.lastradadowntown.com

new site-ish (minus the fact that the text will actually be text and ~indulge~ will be a functional menu, and the copy is just filler…basically it is just the layout right now, img and background…bah!): http://www.wisertechnologies.com/host/shellgreenier/la_strada/

fighting the urge to do it in flash b/c i would still need to make a site in html anyway

and some of you might observe the “wisertechnologies” aspect and wonder WTF? why are FTP-ing to a space on Jasen’s site? well i slept with the fucker for eight months AND did his laundry, i deserve at least that. Do I talk to him still? not unless i need something :). “it’s like that now?”-jay “isn’t it always?” -shell “i would have atleast thought we could be friends”-jay “i’ll be as much a friend to you as you ever were to me.”-shell…i heart being a bitch.

I heart the little cuban boy for putting up with me and my questions as i try to get back into this web thing. I owe you great cuban one. I hate web design, thats why i am going into marketing. (stay tuned tomorrow for what career path i choose next)

Reg and i talked last night, i realized i was back in the old swing of things. He says he needs a relationship i say bullshit. Relationships are all sorts of fucked up, no one needs them, get yourself a pug and a good career, a great co-op and become a regular at a fun place in town. But no one listens to me. Spooning holds more power than pugs, which is sad but true. Indulgents of the libido hold more value than indulgents of the mind, the mouth, the ears. I have a feeling indulgents of the libido are intangible anyway and should be given no real value in reality where they never existed in the first place. Their real value is in art. Let them remain there. He invites me out to Bucknell for a weekend coming up, i am thinking of taking him up on it as a vacation which i am sure i will need in three weeks.

03-17-04

Prodigy

Met Monday with Emily, head of the private sector at the innvoation center about a website she was interested in me doing. Oh, she forgot to mention it wasn’t just a website she had in mind, it was an entire marketing campaign for the new building. Oh and while I was at it i was suppose to look into developing the north shore into a business park, or atleast the area beyond the railroad bridge, maybe more if i can get the relationship between emily and the man who owns the Confluence building on better standings. I told emily even if she has a grudge against him (he wouldn’t sell confluence to her) she should overlook it for business sake, developement of the north shore was more important than pride.

Throwing a proposal together for Todd at La Strada, mentioned to him what his online image was and he agreed that something needed to be done. A few great ideas running through my head, need to make a lawyer friend so i can find out more about the legalities of certaint images i want to use in both projects, but i have a feeling that April 7th will help out in that sector alot. SBA is holding a program co-hosted by the innovation center and an atty. named steve. I think i am going to try to make it and meet steve because steve would be an excellent person to keep in contact with.

Class yesterday was spent polishing my listening skills and not my drawing skills, but i met a new artist type who use to sell in New York in the 80′s. we talked about art and the digital age and he had alot to say, alot i didn’t agree with but then again it was fun because artist types have a tendancy to be bull headed and its hard to debate with them, thats why i like it.

Clinton was over the night before. yay! we sat on the couch watching Kerry’s speech and talking politics. Apparently he has read The Beauty Trilogy and i was floored. :) yay kinky! its not what you think! so he stayed over and my god… I turned red like eight times just thinking about it in work yesterday… the boy is a prodigy with his tounge. Oh My. YAY!

03-15-04

Fear Drives Away Sanity

Opps. Took the weekend to shift my paradigms, saturday i mourned the devil, got a migraine, a phone call and today i am back to my old ways. Silly devil, tricks are for kids. So lets analyze the situation in a more stable light.

He is not Mr Perfect, in fact he is Mr. Wait-I-Know-I’ve-Dated-You-Before. And as of an hour ago he was Mr. I’ve-got-the-upper-hand. That was of course up until i gave the preformance of a life time, probably the best phone sex to pass over the verizon/sprint digi airwaves. Friends, you will be proud of me, i’ve even managed to incorporate a few new words into my vocabulary…words like fuck (v.) and cock (the un-rooster). I know i would have turned red if i were a fly on the wall.

But I realized I had created a monster when at the end of the conversation he asked what if he hung up on me and never called again. I realized I didn’t care, I could walk away and not look back, thereby redistributing the power into my court. And it was the truth, now don’t ask me what to make of this bi-polar L-word dropping, I haven’t the foggiest. But the main focus is the fact that if he didn’t call, i wouldn’t care. I think taking the saturday to mourn all the potential-”ifs”-that-would-never-be has definetly helped out in the long run. I see the situation in a much clearer light, i see the way he views the situation and despite his games and his swearing otherwise he still sees it through the eye of only one head.

So now here I am, not having any motives in this game (no longer a relationship), and not having anything to lose. Poor boy doesn’t stand a chance. And i like when things end with a list of what you have learned instead of a hollywood moment. Its so much better on the spirit.

what i have learned:

*boys in suits are still just that, boys in suits no matter what age, but suits are incredible turn ons and just imagine the possiblities…

*9-5 jobs are not so bad, owning houses are not so bad and networking is not at all bad but very very good.

* His pick up was intense and shall be copied in the future (refer to number one, the streets are lined with suits, and that my love is better or equivelant to being lined with gold)

* behold the power of the bedroom voice

* and the power of the eyes

* and the power of heels

* and the power of power

* and the incredible intoxicating effect of little girls who are never as little as they seem

* and the power of phone sex, self sex, mutual masturbation and any other sexual act that is so often overlooked in the name of intercourse, for all these things in the void of actual sex create a magical effect, a cord of ever building tension one can later use to lead a person around on…just like a little chain.

….

03-13-04

The neurotic undertones of the subtly sexaholic

Another gray, cold day in Pittsburgh, the clouds are parting over by the hills to the north and i can see some blue of the sky above. I hear Sujay’s words echoing through my head as turn my mind away from the ridiculous situation that has become the main worrues in my life (thank god its only thins). “Tumoultous relationships till you are 26,” he says peering at the lines on my hands. Now I realize perhaps he was right, how could i possibly change the fate written on my hand? These words quickly get replaced with Reg’s words of wisdom…the shortcomings of bret and the days of the devil slip slowly behind me. I wish i could say painlessly but that wouldn’t be quiet true.

Natalia asks me if i have a boyfriend last night at the restraunt. Um…friends but nothing sexual, i don’t know, how the hell am I suppose to answer. Here’s one, i just moved to Pittsburgh two months ago, when would i have time to meet anyone, who would i even want to be mixed up in a relationship with, why did that situation make my “no” seem like it was broadcast on a loud speaker? Not all of my life involves mixings with males, despite the past entries in this journal. But really, if its not making me neurotic why ruminate on things?

So on the non-dating side of life here’s alittle bit of whats happening. Baby Trent’s Birthday party is today, i am going back to New Brighton for the party.

La Strada is going well, i worked happy hour last night which was impossibly insane. I wish i could be on the other side of things… great shoes and fake friends, sigh. Made another 45 in coat checks last night, but you really cannot pay me enough to touch another fucking fur coat wreeking of cheap perfume. Was asked to do their website, which is extremely intimidating and pisses me off sort of. Because despite my months of geek therapy now i have to do the LaStrada website or else i would look like i don’t carew about the place, my job, ect. If i do La Strada’s website then i will get asked to do more websites and I AM NOT A FUCKING GEEK FOR CHRIST SAKE.

So now i am stuck learning asp not because i passionately want to but because i don’t want to have shitty code and bad designs. Wait, letme point out the paradox of this statement, perhaps the only time something like this will come up in the world… I need to learn asp and increase my geekness ten fold so i look good to Pittsburgh’s upper class? No, why do otherr women just get to dye their hair, their skin their nails and i have to troubleshoot frigging computers?

The Innovation Center is going well as well, another website on my list. They are increasing their property and need a promotional piece for the upcoming addition for prospective tenants. But Emily, the head of the private sector is wonderful and is going to introduce me to a lot of people. Delegates from Syria will be coming on Friday morning to learn more about entreuprenial oppurtunities. We take these kind of things for granted living here, but people from around the world come to the center to see what kind of things we are doing.

Picked up some books on marketing, Paulina asks why I am not in Public Relations, I wonder the same thing sometimes. Secretly looking into transferring again, Point Park has saturday accelerated classes in Business. So when i get another 30 credits i am seriously thinking of transferring. I will have a good foundation in design (oh wait, i already have a good foundation in design WTF AM I DOING HERE? getting ripped off.) before looking into it.

Sat in the computer lab for my only free time inbetween internship/school/work to help Matt scan. took me a few minutes to figure out their scanning program and get use to working on macs again, its been almost a year. surrounded by 5 guys, all watching me be a geek and swear at the computer, i can only imagine how entertaining i was…professional cute chick flicking off the screen with both hands, how did i find myself in this situation again? remember…geek rehab? does it not mean anything to anybody?

Professor told me she like my ad, but it looked like soft porn, took it as an insult after firing back at her…well yeah, thats the point. Sex sales, why make it subtle? Actually alot of my work has a blatant sexual undertone anymore, i am in a very sexual phase of my life again, considering i am not getting any i find it a marvel. Clinton, Scott and Matt called last night, i am not going to return any phone calls until next week except to Beth. I just don’t feel like dealing with it, i need a weekend vacation. It’s snowing again…

03-13-04

the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Here I am sitting in starbucks (market square) during open lab time in class desperately wanting so badly to not be as horrible as I have been. Here, I have a lot of explaining to do, I might as well get started.

Last night after class Clinton and I made plans to get together for coffee, be it starbucks or my apartment if starbucks (free markets) wasn’t open. So starbucks wasn’t open and he came over for tea. We were sitting around playing chess and he asks “do you like Indian food?” Of course there was a motive behind this question and about 30 minutes later we were walking down to Kauffman’s to catch the 61 to Oakland.

I had never taken the bus in Pittsburgh so it was a definitely unusual experience… considering it was torrentially down pouring on us while we were waiting, then it stared to snow. So forward to the restaurant, yum, had mango lassi, drank myself sick on it and could barely finish my lamb curry. Waiting in front of starbucks (Oakland) for the taxi I invite him to sleep on my sofa so I didn’t have to take the taxi home alone and so that he didn’t have to walk to squirrel hill in the dark/ran/sleet/snow/one AM.

So back at my place and here is where all hell breaks lose. He’s laying on the pull out on my floor, I am in my bed, we are bullshitting till the early hours and he sits up, lay back down artist boy. Talk some more, puts head on my bed, bad artist boy, talks some more, gets look in eye. Oh no artist boy, oh no. I yawn, should go to sleep…early wake up call you know, he kisses me. Bad artist boy, bad!!!! And kisses me, good god artist boy, good god. And asks if I wanted to cuddle, um…no?

So I sleep in his arms all night till the alarm wakes me up at 8 am. I make tea for us, we bullshit some more, he rubs my back. Late for work at the Innovation Center we grab some breakfast at the coffee pagoda in the Allegheny Center. We walk to the bridge and he kisses me good bye. He Kisses ME!!! A bunch. I laugh, smile, turn around, walk about twenty yards then the OH SHIT realization hits me. He’s not Bret…..

Lunch with the bosses, we bullshit about the political/economic turmoil Mayor Murphy has Pittsburgh in, how to generate more business downtown, more affordable residencies, more young talent. We talk about Kierkegaard, Raymond tries to get me to say Marx is bullshit, I tell him only as bullshit as Plato bringing the conversation to familiar turf as far as our own political structures based on bullshit. We talk of movies, The Piano Teacher, which makes me regret it as soon as I mention it. Ray’s seen it, hated it, calls it trash, confusing. No, I say it was disturbing but created an intense emotional response so I had to respect it. In that aspect it was good. Still no clue what the point was other than to create numbness. Crossed the bridge, lugged my three hundred pound computer to class.

Called Aaron, called Beth. Both tell me I am horrible. I am horrible. I feel so bad right now, who would have believed I could go from bad to worse, I am crazy about Bret, I adore him. Clinton is wonderful but I can’t do this. Another fucking person whose heart I have to break. And in the end I know devil boy is going to break mine. I of course have to ride it out, nothing more I can do. He’s not bret….

03-11-04

awww, flower for joe?

I took Joe a flower today, not GM Joe but the joe in my building. I love daffodils, next to terracota roses they are my favorite flowers, tied with lilacs, both symbolize spring is coming. Both smell so good. Suppose to meet clinton tonight to learn the public transit system. So tired, not sure i will be able too.

I told the devil boy i was in love with him yesterday…then i hung up before he could get a word out in response. That was probably a mistake, the in love part, not the hanging up part, that was just childish but i don’t know what to do. I prayed for a sign, devil boy mentioned something about deciding if i wanted to talk to him in three days, aaron told me to take three days as well. So three days is the sign and so i will listen. I will call devil boy on monday night, then i can find out about his interview as well. Hopefully i can get my head on straight and quit being so naive and ridiculous. And scared, quit being so damn scared. I am eternally the five year old.

I just honestly don’t know what to do with the whole situation. He wants to take it slow and let things develope…i can’t. I am super afraid of things developing, like real relationships noooo. I don’t like real relationships, they make me itchy, uncomfortable, scared. I like hurricane relationships, ones that last 6 months, ones that sting when they are over, make you think your heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces, but you end up finding it a couple months later misplaced under a rug or behind the stove somewhere. I cried last night when we were cuddled up on my bed, i realized i was in love with him and just lost it. Oh god, why am i so afraid. He is like “just go with it” but how can i jump into something like this feet first on just blind faith. No no no, i was suppose to be getting over him in these three days not getting over my issues. maybe he will get over me and i wont have to worry too much. how easy would that be like…”look he doesn’t like you, he thinks you’re a neurotic little girl, get over it.”

I’ve decided i want to become the PR/Marketing person for La Strada. Natalia and i were talking about the marketing campaign today and she said she just doesn’t have time to go out around town making connections like she did when they first opened and i was like, hmmmm. I could do that…on mondays, when i have nothing else to do. so i think i am going to get my footing there alittle more, talk to Todd and then finally mention it to him in passing in a month or so. Maybe sooner if La Strada is still really dead in the evenings. yesterday they only had 24 people for dinner, today we had about 114 for lunch, made 40 bucks in tips. NIIIIICE.

Lunch tomorrow with the boss at my internship. i could do friday internships and monday La Strada promotions once this semester is over at the end of the month. That would work nicely. Need to pick up a book on marketing, get a stronger base for it. Maybe i will head over to Barnes and nobles before class today, i should leave soon. Ok. To B&N i go.

03-10-04

Do Not Touch the Wild Beasties

Second day at La Strada. i thought my feet were going to fall off by the end of the day. Wouldn’t have cared very much, too occupied by the General Manager…i keep wondering why God would make someone look like him and put him in my presence and then be like “no touch.” and then expect me to fulfill certaint duties required of me by my job description. Its so wrong.

Here’s some food for thought, do not interview at La Strada. When I interviewed, Natalia was like “let me go see if the GM is available to talk to you too.” and out comes the GM Joe…hehe, GM Joe…Barbies new, new boyfriend, oh geesh. anyway. So this gorgeous Ricky-Martin-goes-italian boy comes out and sits infront of me…how am i suppose to concentrate with that? To top matters off he has on a black, button down collared shirt, and to top THAT off, his sleeves are rolled up. Good God GM Joe, Good God. So after my interview, not remembering one word i said to the man, i walked around town with my coffee trying to stop shaking.

And back to the present. God, please don’t make anymore boys like him, no good comes from boys who look like GM Joe.

Devil Boy works in the same building as La Strada, and since la Strada is all windows, i saw Devil Boy about 3 times today. I stuck my tounge out at him once. Sigh, devil boy plays more games than Danilo ever did. That takes talent. He is slowly getting on my damn nerves. Slowly? no, the mother fucker has already tread all over my nerves. Fuck you Devil Boy and fuck your ex-girlfriend type baggage. He says “friends” i say “fuck that baby. I’ve never kissed one of my ‘friends’ the way you kiss me.” So if he wants to be friends thats fine. But he’ll get everything that goes along with the title…whining about boys like GM Joe, whining about women issues, whining in general. He has no idea what he is asking for when he says “friends”. Its going on a month next Tuesday. Devil boy is what happens to Frat Boys when they pretend to grow up. Sigh…

Now back to GM Joe…I am going to go take a shower. :) oh my.

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