03-19-04

interests: she

I should be sitting in a classroom as we speak, but i am not. I am frantically trying to develope a campaign that was due today but for some fucking reason i can’t find a macro shot of a womens ankle in a stilleto.

So i am taking a few moments out to think. Maybe my father was right, maybe my head is too far up my ass to have any meaningful relationship. I am too absorbed in my own self. The funny thing is, i always thought my self drive and motivation came from him. His self drive and motivation has kept him from having a meaningful relationship with my brother and I for all these years. My mother has the self-interest of an infant, needy and intruding. So with what is suppose to be my two closest relationships mimicing high school, how on earth am i suppose to have a normal relationship with someone? What is a normal relationship?

Then i realized i am not that self-absorbed, i open doors for people, smile at children, laugh at pugs. My life is not defined by my position in it, but by all the people and things that push back. my life is defined by the coffee i drink and the conversations i have. So what is wrong? whats with this insane fear of vulnerability?

why this insane need to figure this out? I don’t have time for a relationship now, look at everything that is going on. Its just i feel horrible, i feel like i need to have the answers in order to stop hurting these poor guys who fall for me. I just want to be friends, i end up become their main interest. I feel like i can’t make friends with anyone new without finding myself in a situation like this. I hate situations like this. And the irony of this whole thing is the one i fell for doesn’t feel the same.

What do i even say to them? Sorry, i can’t do this. i believe in fairy tales and princes on white stallions. And when i thought that what i found was a fairytale full of magic clocks and rides into the sunset, i woke up in a castle of thorns in love with a devil who may or may not exist. So you see, this will never work, but we can still have coffee on thursdays right?

03-19-04

off color

walking through downtown with artist boy at night in the rain, we just sat in a cafe for two hours talking over coffee. Walk by this little cuban restraunt and decide to try it out. Wonderful. Picadillo and fried plantains…who could ask for anything more?

Back out on the street after a lovely dinner and its raining and cold, i suggest a taxi, artist boy says why wreck tradition? Everytime we go out its raining and cold. And it was about to get colder. He tells me about how he went out on a date with another girl a few weeks ago, and when she asked if he wanted to do it again he tought no. I inserted an off color comment of somesort or another. He said he guessed he was trying to say that he was interested in “this” (being us) and nothing else. I inserted an off color silence as a scream ripped through my mind.

I can’t do this anymore, i can’t do relationships or sex or intimacy or any of it. I don’t want to, it’s not that i try and i can’t, its that i have no desire to. I don’t have the energy to move through life as a two. I don’t have the attention span. When i was younger i would do gymnastic routines to keep up with others, i’d give 100% of myself. Now my stomach turns at the thought and i feel horrible. I have met some wonderful people in my life and i wish i was able to, but i can’t.